How to find my student loans – Shame In Divorce Is Arbitrary

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Shame In Divorce Is Arbitrary

In our modern times, divorce is more common than not although the old sense of blame and letdown still hits the divorcee hard. Pressure from religious organizations, their family, and from their neighbors and friends is still stressful. It hits you hard from the inside.

I want to give you a little side story about myself so you will know that I understand what you’re going through. For many months, maybe even a year or two after my divorce, I felt empty. I felt like a complete failure. My parents have been married for over 50 years and theirs is a happy marriage. They really do like, as well as love, each other. I’ve got two siblings who are each married harmoniously to a great gals. In a sense, you could say their marriages mirror my parent’s union—they like and love each other and have happy home lives. I also have relatives who are happily married.

Some of the people in my family refer to me as “The Smart One” because I was the first member of the family to go to college. So here I was, “The Smart One,” a complete and utter failure at the most important job of my life. At least that’s the way I thought about myself at the time.

At the age of 33, I gave my wife my house and everything in it and I moved into a small, two-bedroom apartment. I bought some cheap furniture; I was driving a leased Pontiac Grand-Am; I had no bank accounts or assets. I did have $18,000 in debt (credit card bills of $8,000 and my student loan of $10,000.) And yet, I was full of joy because I no longer had to live with an unhappy person, and I knew the kids were going to be in my life.

My early difficult years of being divorced have passed. I made it past the shame and the sense of failure. I lived through the challenging interfaces with the ex. My kids grew up and became wonderful young women, one of them a mother herself. I say this to let you know that you can get there from where you are right now. I did.

Here are some tips that you should find helpful:

Shame Is Arbitrary. Arbitrary means that each individual gets to decide if a thing is “so.” You are the one who gets to decide if divorce is shameful. Oh, you’re going to get plenty of input to help you decide. Your parents, your granny, great Aunt Susie, your church and the world at large all have opinions about this. But only you have walked in
1000
your boots. Only you have lived inside that marriage. Only you knows the words that got spoken (or screamed.) Only you know why the divorce really happened. And you don’t have to explain your actions to anyone. You only need to explain it to yourself. And only you get to decide if the divorce is shameful or not. Remove yourself from all that input from others and decide if you are feeling shame, where that shame is coming from? The opinions of others? Well shame on them for adding to your burden!

You Aren’t Dancing Solo. Your former spouse also had a part to play in this divorce. You didn’t create it all by yourself. It isn’t necessary or wise to assume all the blame for the divorce yourself. Only assume your piece of it, and yes, you did have a part in it or it couldn’t be happening to you. If you don’t see your role in the creation of your divorce, this is now your current assignment: find out what you did to make it happen. By not making a correction, you’ll make the mistake again. Agh!

Blame is Blasphemous. Did you know that the word blame comes from blaspheme – to speak evil of? I’d like to think that, for the sake of your children, you are not blaming their other parent. They need to love him or her. And I’d also like to think that you are not blaming yourself. You are a wonder-filled individual! Find that individual and praise him or her and lose the blaming.

Divorce is a powerful impetus to escalate your growth as an individual. You can remove the same in divorce and avoid the feeling of failure from all those external pressures if you will look for it’s lessons and work to create more happiness for you and your children.

By: Len Stauffenger

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Len Stauffenger’s parents taught him life’s simple wisdom. As a divorced dad, he wanted to share that simple wisdom with his girls. “Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents,” his book, is the solution. Len is an author, a Success Coach and an Attorney. www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

If you’ve recently graduated from college, you’ve probably been bombarded with mailings and advertisements urging you to refinance (or consolidate) your student loans right away. But wait, what is loan consolidation? And why should you do it?

If you’ve just graduated from college, you’ve probably got a number of different student loans, all in different amounts from different lenders at different interest rates. Loan consolidators (which can be private banks, lenders or government agencies) pay off all your individual loans in exchange for a single loan in the same amount issued to you. So now instead of all those different loans, you’ve got one loan that you repay to the consolidator.

Refinancing your student loans reduces your monthly payments and locks in a fixed interest rate. In most cases, student loans have variable interest rates set a few points below prime. As interest rates go up, so will the interest rate on your loans. When you refinance your loans, you lock in an interest rate based on the current market conditions that will be set for the life of your loan. Therefore, it’s important to evaluate the market before making the decision to consolidate. Right now, interest rates are low, but they’re going up and most economists predict that they’ll continue to go up for awhile. So for many people, this is a good time to refinance.

Your credit history will also determine your eligibility for loan consolidation programs. Loan consolidators can be picky in who they accept for their programs, so the option to refinance is usually only available to individuals who have established good credit by paying their loans back on time. If you’ve missed payments or made payments consistently late, you may not be offered the best terms, if you’re accepted at all. If your application is denied the first time, call the consolidator and talk to a loan officer about the reason for your rejection. The officer may offer you advice on how to qualify for their program at a later date.

If you decide to refinance, be sure to consolidate federal loans and private loans separately from each other. When you consolidate your loans, you’re typically offered a rate that’s 1-2% lower than the average rate of your loans. Federal student loans often carry much lower interest rates than private loans, so consolidating them together can bring up the average interest rate of your loans and leave you with a higher fixed rate locked in. If you only have one private loan, it may not make a difference, but it’s important to assess your options before committing to refinance.

Is there anyone who shouldn’t consolidate? Let’s look at a scenario. Tracy has 2 loans for $5,000 each that are scheduled to be paid off within 5 years. She can afford to make her monthly payments but wants to see if she can save a little extra cash each month by consolidating. She finds out that she can refinance the loans into a $10,000 consolidation loan to lower her monthly payments and she’ll be eligible to extend her payments over 8 years. But because she’s extended the life of her loans, she’ll be paying interest over a longer period of time and may wind up paying more overall than if she had kept her loans as they were.

It is tempting to pay less per month but if you can afford to pay off your loans in a shorter period of time, then you’ll likely save money on interest in the long run. Obviously every situation is different and you won’t find all your answers in a short article like this. But if you think loan consolidation might be right for you, check out the Student Loan Network’s site at Studentloanconsolidator.com for more information or speak with a loan officer or financial planner to see what your options are.

About The Author

This article was published by Sarah Russell on Smart Young Money – a collection of money management resources for teens and young adults. For great information on using credit, managing debt and more for young people, visit http://www.smartyoungmoney.com.